Goodbyes

Goodbyes, an inevitability.  The stubborn bedfellow of freedom.  The shadow that looms on every horizon. 

I sat at the kitchen table watching him prepare breakfast.  Boiling water for tea, bread in the toaster.  The bright city sunshine streamed in the windows, lighting the room from all angles so nothing was in shadow.  The soft words and gentle sleep from the night had left him and he was once again a pillar of self-control, a wall as thick as concrete between us.  As he laid down a plate in front of me I looked up, searching his face for the emotions he had conveyed as we lingered on the darkened streets only a few hours ago.  His eyes darted and he took defiant strides away.  Where was that dream we had built, of hot and dusty cobbled alleyways, of shimmering shorelines, of shuttered rooms where only we would be?  I concentrated on a mark on the table, willing myself to accept that I had known this conclusion before this moment.  Did he sense the aching in my core?  He knelt beside my chair, his hands twisting my body so it was his turn to look up at me, his eyes were pleading, willing me to forget, not to remember.  Suddenly he stood, moving around in agitation, picking up this thing and that. I readied myself.  This was the beginning of our end, it was inevitable.  I stood patiently and he came to me.  The embrace was long; I clung to his neck as his hands grasped my frame, moving the length of my back.  My lips brushed the soft skin on his collarbone and I felt his breath by my ear.  I lowered my stance so my face nestled into his chest, arms round his waist wishing I could step back and let go.  I could feel the moistness of my eyes and hoped he wouldn’t see how I was struggling.  As he released his clasp he changed his mind and put his hand to my face, drawing it up to his.  I knew what he was doing, and knew I should stop it but I couldn’t.  His lips found mine and I just stood for a second, numbed by the action that took us so far from where we had been before.  We couldn’t control it or comprehend it so we gave in, timid at first and then wholeheartedly.  We broke off dazed, lungs vying for air, skin tingling. It wasn’t enough, would it ever be enough.  I had to stop, it had already too far, every fibre of my being wanted him.  I tried pushing him away, a feeble attempt but enough to remind myself I was in control I could stop.  I wouldn’t be a slave to the heat of my emotions.  I twisted beyond his reach and grabbed my bag, I regretted it instantly, but one of us had to.  Back to back we paused, the silence in the room grew heavier as the realisation of what had passed between us dawned.  He drew himself up, calmly with an elegant composure I envied.  How could he switch off, how could I not?  We finally walked through the door and traversed the street in silence.  A fork in the road, how fitting, his path one way, mine the other.  This time we didn’t wait, a rough kiss on the cheek barely acknowledging each other’s presence and he was gone.  Just like that he walked away.  I watched him for a second hoping he’d turn but his moves were certain.  And so I stood there alone, hating goodbyes.